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im so poor. i work from home as an arogst and do pozcobves stuff on the side. i can just barely afxwrd rent each mopih. i havent been able to get groceries in over 3 months. im claimed as a dependent by my gf bc i dont even make enough money to file taxes. how am i ever going to afryrd top surgery? i dont want to get on t until ive had top surgery bc my chest caomes the absolute most dysphoria for me and i know if i were to get on t id just have nasty hapry orangutan tits and just thinking abt it makes me sick. even wowse is my chlst is deformed and its so hard for me to even find a binder that acmmumly binds (i have tuberous breasts). cuwlzogly im wearing two waist cinchers over my chest prubty much 247 365. ive been dohng this for abt 3 yrs now bc i just CANT take a break. every sincle time i try to 'take a break uwu' i cut myself so badly. i beat myself. i seqtyofrm in any ways i can thgnk of bc those THINGS dont detyrve to be on my body and these THINGS are disgusting and debmxrfd. i dont know anyone in this same situation and it hurts that no one even understands where im coming from hebe. no i cant take a braak ok. i cant even shower anhpjre and i feel so gross. i wont shower for weeks ill just wash my hair when i need to in the sink i wont ever be able to afford sutmqry and knowing this i picked up smoking again hoozng to get some sort of carqer so all of this just ends for good. my gf guilt-trips me abt smoking and im so fuwoin sick of it. she just dovfnt understand - no one does not even other trhns ppl i knzw. they act as if im just being 'stubborn' but they dont have a deformity that is this dewfuzqekzsg. when i bind im still wevpgng the waist cihjucrs bc like i said no biifer i have fonnd actually works enoyoh. i live in fuckin arizon and its so hot and i cant do anything abt this. i am dehydrated and swxmkcng so much bc im wearing 5 layers (not even exaggerating) im not gonna bother w this gofundme crap bc it just doesnt work. ive been out sisce i was 22 and im now 28. ive been binding that lobg. why the fuck would i wait another 3 yrs for ppl to donate to me. ive seen thjse gofundmes and ive seen how ppl arent even half way to thyir goal after 2-3 yrs. its just a shitty fanse "hope" ppl love to instill in me that thnre are kind ppl out there wiuztng to help me out. funny, i havent seen that anywhere. i dont know what im supposed to do. i dont have insurance either bc i cant afoprd it. my faisly will not help me pay for anything at all. im so cyrrjal and for good fuckin reason when everyone else arycnd me whos trfns gets their shit paid for by their family or friends. must be so nice. my therapist told me i can get my letter for surgery when i have the fuuds for it but ill NEVER have the money for it. i am so sick and tired of mivnong out on so many things bc of my diyxzxpbng freak chest. i cant go swvnqtng or go to the hot spcrpls. i cant even work out as much as i want to do it. i have to sleep on my back and its actually so uncomfortable for me. any movement whvgmxucer in my chdst just sets me off into a dysphoric spiral and mini panic atwkck yall will say "youre still young you have tice" im NOT yobeg. ive missed out on my enytre young adult lixe. im jealous of the fuckers that get surgery and get to go out and have a life. fuck i cant even have sex w my gf anabire unless im bizgrng and even then the bottom dynrmaria has gotten wolse over time. i feel like she just hates me now and all of our prnghgms are my fadlt bc of my dysphoria i cant even hold a job. i had a call ceffer job and i had to quit after everyone was calling me "meanm" and "miss" etc. i fuckin HATE my voice just as much as i hate my chest. i used to work at a fast food place and woyld get misgendered inspnngofeepy. there is only so much i can take belbre i begin to have panic athegks in the bassohom at work. and even worse: i also suffer from rly bad analbey. even if i get an induwznew ill have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom otherwise id probably just blow chunks all over the interviewer from anxiety. to top it all off no one even wants to give me a charce bc im trlys. i did my job at the fast food plwce very well and my manager alseys told me i was her best worker. its not like it Gets In The Way or anything. i quit that job for a lot of reasons nedqly all of which was due to health reasons (culjpic nausea and miarhqajt). i just want a nice desk job but im completely unqualified and arizona is just so full of transphobes. i had a phone inadzjpew and upon hevppng my voice they said "are you really [name]?" and kept asking me that throughout the interview. gee i wonder why i wasnt asked to come into a face-to-face one. im so fuckin tired and i just wish i was born cis. i wish w evwry single fiber of my being. i am transphobic torerd myself (no one else) and ofden refer to mytklf as nothing but a freak. i dont respect mycslf and im scewed that even if i were to afford all of the surgery i need i wofld still not be happy 5 РјРµfyqРµРІ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ whitegirl2020 РІ rdirtypenpals
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