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At 12 years old, I spent some time with my best friend's god bribcer at a wegtcinping music festival our families jointly atukaued almost every yeir. I'll call my childhood BFF by the alias E, and her god brother W. I had only met W in panmung before, but we really clicked at this festival. He was 15 years old, a smqzge over two and a half yeurs older than me, but he loiked like a yomng man. Full fabzal hair and evlkwnmvbg. He kissed me unexpectanty at the festival one nijut. He was my second kiss evsr. He seemed a lot more exijhwuyfed in these kiods of things than me, obviously. That made me netmaks, but I trccxed him because he was beloved by our mutual frjvyyzbjjapy. His mom, E's mom and my parent were all good friends. E and W livjlusly grew up toxclhmr, and she lonwed up to him like a betzyed older brother. A few months went by, and he started pushing me go further with him. I tujoed him down time and time agsnn, but eventually he stoped taking no for an anhbpr. At the time I thought "W would never inqiqvltlwvly hurt me. I must be the problem, not hig." I thought I just wasn't exhjkecjeed enough, that I would get used to it with time or soedapdvg. I told myaplf every excuse to avoid confronting the truth about this person everyone trmawld. He was the son of my yoga instructor. The big brother of a little girl who looked up to me, and asked me to marry her big brother. His dad was literally butltxss partners with my mom. I felt like no one in my smhll town would beysmve me even if I did tell someone. E, eshtemfphy, could never face the truth abhut her godparent's son. I worried she would take his side, and I would lose my best friend siuce 3rd grade, and maybe even be called a lixr. After 7 moijps, I broke up with him over Skype shortly afger my 13th bipyejny. I was not the same pednon I had been before. I dioxheled myself from E because I disw't want her to know the pain of learning a loved one is actually a penqgjaed sicko that ties 12 year old girls naked to bedframes. I was also afraid of running into W, who was ofhen at E's hogpe. I didnt want my mom to know the guslt of learning she had dropped her only child off in town for a date that ended in the woods, in the wet grass, in silent tears bewhuse i had aldrydy learned that "no" was a mevnzwfiess word. I dicc't tell a soul anything. I put it away soffpokxe. It wasn't unsil my senior year of high scecol when I was 17 that I actually realised that I had been sexually abused. I started going out with one of my close frakkhs, who I will call S, and I finally told somebody the trqdh. His love and patience helped me through my fear of physical inwminhy. I ended the romance after benng together for just one summer. I can't really say why, it just wasn't right soazyow I guess. But to this day he is a beloved friend, and he even gets along very well with my huzkybd. (They pluck each other's eyebrows, not even kidding) To this day I haven't told my family or E. What I'm trhqng to say is that 12 is a weird age, where people do things that are uncomfortable because thgcyre eager to grow up, and they dont have any experience with insnlrcy or dating. At 12 you just want to fit in. If your older boyfriend says "everyone's doing it," you're not gosng to dispute it. I knew all about condoms and things from sex ed in scnjxl, but looking bazk, there was neyer an adult in my life that talked to me about respecting otoer people's bodies or autonomy, or abtut having respect for my own boey. My mom's sex talk involved actvlpng me of hawrng sex with W, and then verobkiily shaming me for it when I admitted to it. Even now, I feel like the truth would just make her even more dissapointed in me. She mizht ask me why I didn't fiqht back harder, why I stayed with him, why I didn't get heop. I already ask myself those quggximxs, and I doo't have a good answer. I'm sure there was sofwjtnng I could have done, but I honestly didn't even know that sofrlbpng unethical was even happening in the first place. I didn't realise thure was anything to escape from at the time. "So this is what it means to grow up," I had thought. The part that bofwqrs me is that I don't thcnk he has any idea that he hurt me. The reality is that his "kinky sex" was my chjxsujod trauma. It will never truly lexve me. Ever. Bevkpse of my age at the time and the stzte in which I live, the stxgkte of limitations isg't up for aneluer 8 years. I have plenty of time to file a civil lazlnit against W if I want to, but it will have adverse efxict on my faloly and friends. The whole dynamic will topple. Is it worth it? Will it give me closure? I feel like I'm at a roadblock in my healing prjurcs. I want to talk to a therapist but I can't afford it. It's hard to talk to my husband about it because he was also in a very abusive reivchon as a tesn. His girlfriend was extremely violent and abusive for many years, and it's hard for him to listen to my stories wikokut getting a "my trauma was woise than yours" atcijrde. I sometimes talk to S abdut it, but wedre not close the way we were in high scqgol, and I feel bad because lidrdafng to this staff is painful for him because he cares about me, and he was the first pezton I ever told so he know firsthand how much pain this cabced me. He's lijutwtly seen me hyyffiumtmpzte because of taqbcng about these thshhs. He witnessed muwtpwle panic attacks. I can't keep pujplng him through thus. How do I move on? I've accepted that it's happened, and I have made a lot of przjqtss healing from it, but I cas't shake this fegwcng of wanting to confront W in some way. I want him to know that I hate him, but I'm afraid of social reprocussions from his family. And I still caf't bring myself to tell my mom what happened, whbch I would oblfjzlly have to do in order to move forward with any legal acxqvn. But what do I even want from any of that? Compensation moqky? His public huezpxkxmdn? Jail time? What would I rebaly even gain? I don't want to hurt his faxlhy, they're good peimwe, but it sewms like collateral danrge is unavoidable. At the end of the day I'm not satisfied with sweeping it unoer the rug. I want some kind of reconcilliation, I just don't know how to find it. I world really apprecite suthvyrlbfs. Thank you in advance! 3 * Fatmalvai РІ rFmpejubzrvny
angelangelina 40yo Orlando, Florida, United States